And Life Goes On...

It wasn't that long ago that Michael and I re-started our lives as civilians and started our trek from california, back to new york. We were thrilled to be moving back, and being close to our families again, especially because I was pregnant. Being pregnant never really agreed with me, but that never once meant i didn't love my little boy. Little did I know but i was about to meet him a lot sooner than my due date anticipated.

On 8/24/11, Michael and I headed off to my 36 week check-up expecting to be in and out like usual. I had absolutely no health problems up until my 35 week check-up, but the only cause for concern after that appointment was how much protein my kidneys were spilling. This could be a sign of pre-eclampsia/eclampsia, but because I had no other symptoms it was basically decided that a history of UTIs were to blame. This appointment was different though. Michael and I sat down in the office of my Midwife and wonderful relative (through marriage) to discuss my blood work, which the only abnormal result was that i was anemic which is an easy fix. So i was feeling pretty confident as we moved into the exam room with my handouts on iron intake in hand. This confidence lasted about thirty seconds, which is when they took my blood pressure. 170/100 was my result, and that is NOT good. Michael was told to take me to the hospital, right then and there. Immediately my thoughts began to race. I knew this was serious, and feared that i would be taken right in for an emergency c-section to save my life and the life of my baby. Of course i would do so if that were my only option, but it didn't mean I had to like the idea.

We walked into labor and delivery and they were waiting for us. I was taken to triage immediately where they hooked me up to an IV and began monitoring my blood pressure every 5 minutes for and hour. It continued to spike. The highest i can remember reading was 184/120. Upon seeing this result i was diagnosed with Eclampsia and they immediately added blood pressure medication to my IV and hooked me up to a high level of magnesium to keep me from having a seizure. I was warned by the OB that magnesium is some nasty stuff and will make me feel pretty aweful, and oh boy it really did. It burned going into my arm, and had the same effect on the rest of me as well. My body felt like it was boiling, and my nose clogged, and i felt like i had some kind of aweful flu. On top of this, as if it weren't enough, it makes you retain even more water than normal, and if i wasn't peeing enough there was a risk of magnesium poisoning. So every hour the nurses would come in to check my reflexes to make sure that i wasn't starting to be poisoned by the magnesium, and every time i went to the bathroom a nurse had to measure how much i went to the bathroom. There were quite a few times where i failed the reflex tests that were being done so they would take blood over and over to make sure i didnt have magnesium poisoning, thank god my labs always came back negative.

It was decided that Mason was strong enough and wasn't being affected by all of the things that i was dealing with so we could take a little time to try to ensure that i was able to have a vaginal delivery, and cut the chances of a csection. Upon examination, they found that I was 1cm dialated, my body had already started going into labor because of the stress it was under. The midwife on call decided to use something called cervidal which is a medication that they place on your cervix for 12 hours to help speed up the labor process. When this was placed into me, i can't even explain to you how much it hurt, but after it was placed it was painless. Then began the wait to see if my body would react to it, which if it didnt there would only be one other even more painful technique to try before a csection would become necessary.

After the 12 hours, I was examined and found to be 1 1/2 cm dialated, but now 80% effaced which apparently was REALLY good. They decided to try a second cervidal. By this time Careen, my midwife, was on call and was inserting the cervidal. She made it much quicker and less painful. But now the nurses weren't happy with the amount of my urine output, or lack of it in this case, and they decided a catheter would be necessary... that was NOT cool.

Time was weird in the labor room, there was no clock so i never knew what time it was and days just blended together. And at some point i remember doctors telling mike that the medications would make me pretty forgetful and not remember things, apparently this was true.

At some point on day two (i think) my mom came to visit, and we hang out for a bit to take my mind off of the gross feelings i was having, and the crazy swelling in my whole body that was leaving me looking like someone that suffered from elephantitis. Later on a nurse came in to check my blood pressure, and she decided it would be a good idea to switch arms and check on the arm with the IV feeding 4 meds into me. I asked her if that would effect the IVs and she said probably but it will just set off the alarm. Well let me tell you, no alarm went off, but my arm started BURNING. I told mike and because of his training as a combat life saver in the marine corps, he knew exactly what happened, and went to get my midwife immediately. My IV infiltrated, it was not fun. So they had to take it out to make the pain stop, and switched it to my other arm, which was too swollen by this time to find a good vein so it was put into my wrist... not a fun spot.

Now at some point in day 3, cervidal number 2 was expired and it was time to check me again. I was only 4 cm dialated and 90% effaced. I begged to just start pitocin, instead of the next painful method, and Careen decided we could give it a shot. I decided to take pain medication through the IV, but all it did was knock me out. When i woke up i could feel the contractions getting stronger and stronger and much closer together. Michael decided to get some lunch, and while he was gone the contractions became unbearable. I was so upset with myself because Michael and I both decided that we were NOT going to use an epidural, but i needed it. The pain was to the point where i wanted to throw up, and i had a contraction every minute and it lasted for a minute. I couldn't handle it, and Mike was no where to be found to attempt to see if he would be ok with me getting the epidural. Careen was in the room with me and told me that it could actually be beneficial in a case like mine and would even help lower my blood pressure. I told her to contact the anesthesiologist and get me an epidural. I knew that her opinion was very important and Michael would be ok with the decision. It seemed like hours before they came to give me the epidural, when in reality i'm sure it was only about 45 minutes. Mike wasn't allowed in the room when they were giving me the epidural which i thought was weird, but there was nothing i could do. It was the first time he had left my side during something serious in the whole time we had been at the hospital. Careen braced me as they tried THREE times to get the epidural to numb me correctly, which was difficult being that i was having horrific contractions every 45 seconds or so by now. They eventually got it to numb me properly and i was able to lay back in the bed. It becomes really fuzzy after that, but i know that i fell asleep at some point. When i came too, i could hear people talking, but it took me about 45 minutes to realize that my mother in law was in the room. I slowly came out of the fog i was in and joined in the conversation.

It wasn't long before i started to feel a pressure. I wasn't sure if this was supposed to happen, or if it was just more contractions but they were numbed because of the epidural. About the third time i felt it, I asked my mother in law if that was normal, and she said that means its almost time, so Michael ran to tell Careen. She came in to check on me, and saw all of my contraction read outs and said that she would check me in half and hour. I told mike to text my parents asap and tell them to get to the hospital. They said they would be leaving to meet us there at 6. Being that i was going to be checked at 6:30 it seemed like enough time...keyword... seemed. Careen checked me at 6:30 and i was ready to go, i could barely control my body which was forcing me to push. Michael frantically texted my mom "HES COMING, GET HERE FAST". I found myself pushing with no direction from Careen or the nurses and they were quite impressed that i seemed to know what i was doing. I asked the nurse if i could push the button for the epidural because i could move my legs freely, and she couldn't believe i hadn't used it already. By the time i was on my second push my mother was now at my side. Thank god she made it.

In a "short" 45 minutes, I was done pushing, and i could see my baby in the hands of Careen. I remember being so frustrated because everyone made it sound like with each push that the babies head was about to be out but it just wasn't happening, i felt like it should have been way shorter. For the majority of the time it was just michael, my mom, my mother in law, careen and a nurse in the room with me. I was so focused on getting this baby out, i was in the zone. I didnt speak. I didn't scream at michael like i figured i would. There was a point where he was anxious and started shaking the hospital bed and i just asked him to please stop, but then SUDDENLY about 6 other people flew into the room and everyone started talking quite loudly which was really messing with my concentration, and all i simply said was " shhhhhhhhh ". I was so tired. I ended up needing the oxygen mask at some point to keep Mason's heart beat from dipping, which i didnt find out until days later. As far as i knew his heart beat stayed strong throughout the labor and delivery, but i guess not. I'm glad i didnt know until way later. I also didn't find out till way later that Michael wasn't able to cut the cord. It turns out Mason was taking too much from me and my blood levels were dropping to the point they wanted to give me a transfusion, so they had to cut him from me immediately. Without my knowing about these few things, my biggest concern was that he tore me a tiny bit and i needed stitches, which i was able to feel. But for some reason they felt like nothing compared to what i had been through in the previous days. Before i knew it, mason was being placed in my arms. i finally met the little boy that was a part of me for 36 weeks.

Mason James Faulkner
DOB: 8/26/11 7:15pm
Weight: 6lbs. 7oz.
Length: 19 1/2 inches

As suddenly as everyone came into the room, they were all gone. It was just me and my mother. Michael and his mom left with careen to meet up with my dad and mikes dad to go see mason in the postpartum unit. I wasn't allowed to leave until i peed. Not fair. After two hours of recovery and still being unable to pee, a nurse came downstairs to tell me and my mother that the baby's glucose was very low and they were trying to formula feed him, which i knew mike would be furious about. Even though i wasn't able to pee the nurse got a wheelchair and took me up to postpartum to be with everyone. When i got there it was again just my mom and i in the room. Then everyone came in, followed shortly after by a doctor. He was trying to explain that he NEEDED to formula feed the baby because of the low sugar levels, and we eventually just let them have their way. Visiting hours ended, and mike and i were left alone with our son. OUR SON. it seemed so unreal. But again they came in to take him and test his blood sugar. This time they came back and decided that he needed to be admitted to NICU, the neonatal intensive care unit. My baby was only alive for mere hours and was already in another life threatening situation. I couldn't help but feel that somehow this was because of me. Michael assured me that he would be fine. He was right thank god... we got him back the next morning, and all was well.

Other than the threat of hurricane irene, everything seemed to be at peace. We ended up being evacuated from the rooms at 5 am because of tornado warnings, and we all had to sit in the hallway for a while. When we were allowed back in the room, we watched the storm from our window. It was actually relaxing in my opinion.

We finally were discharged from the hospital late at night on the 28th. It was finally over, i could finally go home with my husband and my son.

Death has a way of bringing people together, whether they are best friends or family, or someone you have drifted from over time. Finding out that someone close to a person has passed is able to unite people like nothing else in this world.

I've written about death before, so perhaps this post won't be anything very new to some of you, but perhaps it will hit some of you closer than you think. Death is never easy to deal with, especially in circumstances which make for it to come on suddenly.

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Picture this is you will... A bright, spirited young girl from a small town has packed up her life to move far away from all she's ever known. Away from family, and friends, and the comforts of living in a small town. She did so before she even turned 18. Why did she do this, you may ask? Because the love of her life is a United States Marine. She was planning a wedding, and couldn't wait to take his last name and start their life together as Mr. and Mrs. They tied the knot on a windy day at the beach shortly after she turned 18. Their time spent together was nothing short of blissful, until one day they were notified that he would be deploying. He would be leaving on a MEU. Her dreams of starting a family and spending their first year together as a married couple would have to be put on hold. He had to fulfill his duty after all, and so she would too. The duty of the military wife, a part of the silent ranks. She would wait for his phone calls, and skype dates were the highlight of any day, some days would be harder than others...missing your other half is never easy. She would do so with pride and admiration, and try to carry on life at home without him the best she could, knowing that every day that passed was one day closer until she would be kissing him again.

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Last night, everything changed. I was notified through friends, that due to the careless and reckless acts of others, this bright spirited young girl was now a widow at the age of 18. This young girl was laying in her empty bed that to her knowledge she would soon be sharing with her husband again. It was a normal night. Until she heard the knock on the door: that dreaded knock that EVERY wife of a deployed service member dreads. Surely this must be a mistake. Her husband was on a MEU, which is basically a cruise with REALLY awful living quarters. Sadly the news was true. He husband, her high school sweetheart, her marine, and her hero, were taken from her just like that. In an instant her life was changed.


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I wasn't expecting to see her name pop up on caller-id at midnight on a thursday. To be truthful we hadn't spoken in months because we had a bit of a falling out, but i know the stinging pain of death all too well. I answered the call, knowing full well what i would be hearing on the other end of the line, but that didn't make it any easier. Her pain tore me apart. I wished there was something i could do to take even just a little of her pain away, knowing that there was absolutely NOTHING that I or anyone for that matter, could do for her other than be there for her. The only thing that could take away that pain was to be in her marine's arms again, and knowing that she would never again have that comfort...its devastating. No one should ever have to go through this pain, and confusion. No one at the age of 18 should have to be arranging their husbands funeral. I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy.


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I spoke to her on the phone for quite some time, expressing my deepest sympathies, and letting her know that if she were to need anything that she could call or text at anytime. I know that she will be hearing this all, over and over from everyone, but i do hope she takes it to heart. After we hung up, i crawled back into bed, and rolled over to hold my husband. I felt so blessed to have him there by my side, and guilty at the same time that i could kiss his lips and feel his warm skin, and she would never have that again. Life is so precious, it can be taken from anyone at anytime, and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it. Live everyday like it is your last, because you never know what is in store for you just around the corner. Tell those that you care for that you love them, let your feelings be known, and always count your blessings.


Live
Laugh
Love

xoxoxo

I woke up this morning knowing that I would have to give Harlee to a rescue because we were unable to keep her, I knew how much it would hurt, as the tears had already been flowing for two days prior. That little girl was my shadow, my cuddle buddy, and I was beyond devastated to have to hand her off. The only comfort I get is knowing that the rescue will give her what I couldn't.

Harlee, I love and miss you terribly.

In the closing of my last post, i mentioned that my mind is in a fog, and i have so many different thoughts racing around my head that i'm pretty much paralyzed because i can't seem to sort anything out. This post will be my attempt to do so. I can't promise its going to make any kind of logical sense.. but here goes...

Let me start off by clarifying that i DO NOT in any way regret eloping. I got to marry the man i love, and eloping enabled us to be together, where as if we hadn't done that, we didn't know when the next time we would ever see each other would be.

However, I do desperately want to have my real wedding. I want the white dress, and the family watching, and cake, and pictures...me of all people didn't bring a camera to the county clerk so i have nothing of that day... I'm not asking for a crazy cinderella wedding. That would be a massive waste of money, and it just isn't necessary. I already have what is most important, and that is Michael. The wedding would be simple, it could be in my backyard for all I care. My mother could make my cake, and after that all i would need is my dress, and a photographer. I know not many people will come, family and friends have come and gone out of both me and michael's lives, so it would be a small group.

The main reason this wedding is so important to me is that i want to be able to go with my mother to pick out my gown, and i want my father to be able to walk me down the aisle. No one is getting younger, and my father feels the need to joke about his declining health and jokes about dying. This is devistating to me, i want to cry even just thinking about it. I'm daddy's little girl, and he needs to be there, both of my parents do. I'm an only child, and my parents are my rock... And i want to be able to have pictures, so i can remember every sweet moment...

My nana was diagnosed with dementia years back, and it got so bad that she couldn't remember how to use a microwave, and didn't even know where she was half of the time. She passed away some time ago, but she's always on my mind. People wonder why i'm so camera crazy, and i attribute it to her. I'm terrified that there will come a time in my life where i forget everything, like she did. I want photos of every moment, so even if i forget, i can have pictures to look at and someone can tell me about that day... I can't lose touch with my own life like that.

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The next thing running around my mind is a baby. I want a baby. However, i want to have my wedding first, and i want to get rid of our stupid roommate, and be in a place that i know we will be in for a while, which will be completely furnished, and feel like a home. This tears me up because i'm scared that michael will deploy before all of these things happen, and then i get scared that what if god forbid something were to happen to mike? what would i do?  I would want to have his child so he could carry on in his son or daughter. I know that sounds incredibly morbid, and depressing, and i know that the chances of something happening to him are slim, but as a marine wife.. that thought floats around, and its scary.

I suppose this is my biggest confusion...when is the right time? It's something i want so badly, but there are so many things that need to be done first, so when will i know that we can start trying? When will all of the things that need to happen first finally happen? I don't even know if i'm making any sense here, and writing this out doesnt even seem to be helping me put my mind at ease... but it is what it is, i suppose.

The only thing writing this all out did for me was that i see that i don't have so many different things on my mind, its more like a chain of things that are related to one thing, that is continuing in a vicious never ending circle of unanswered questions in my mind.

UGH!

of course there are other issues in my mind as well but they aren't worth writing about, they will sort themselves out.

I guess i have nothing else to write for now...
I'll be back <3

        Smile, and be happy!

Wow, for some reason i stop writing when everything in my life would be most interesting to write. I'll try to recap my life as of my last entry in short little sections because its worth remembering!

Ok, so as of my last post i was filling you in on how I eloped, and the day we moved into our apartment...boy do i have A LOT of catching up to do! Here goes nothing! I'll keep it short but sweet... promise...

(side note..before we moved to cali Michael got me a puppy to keep me company so i would be less lonely...this puppy is Jasper.. the love of my life <3)

January 30th, Michael and I had only been living in cali for less then a month and we were in a car accident.. I was taken away in an ambulance, and that day was filled with hatred for the rude cop that was handling the scene and wouldn't let mike go to the hospital with me, or to get himself checked out, and annoyance with the dumb woman who ran a red light because she was in a rush to get her dog to the park that was AROUND THE CORNER from her house! Mikes old roommate Mejia was our only savior at that point and he lent us his car as long as we needed it...

My foot was broken in the car accident, and i was unable to walk until some time after St. Patty's day which means i pretty much missed my 21st birthday... oh well.. i'm not a big drinker anyways.

At the end of August, Mike and I began our trip back home to New York so I could continue school, so we had to say our goodbyes, it was horrible as is any time i have to be split apart from the man i love. But i made it through the semester and came back out to cali for the ball again, and then for our winter break i was out in cali with michael from mid December until late January.

At this point, A friend of Michaels (Josh) was living with us because he had no where to go. UGH the start of any and all drama in my life began here...

Anyways...We spent christmas in temecula with our good friend Mini, and we rode horses on the ranch she worked at, and partied, and for new years we went to the club she worked at.. and partied some more lol.

After one of these party nights at a club/bar called Stampede, we went back to Mini's because of some drama at the club... Josh's new/old girlfriend Holly, had a very very large group of people that wouldn't mind if she were dead and gutted among other things. But it was whatever and we spent the night making sure Holly was in a "safe zone"

After all of this, we went back to our apartment, and settled down. A week before i had to go back home, we moved into a new apartment...beautiful. Josh was supposed to be helping move since he was continuing to live with us.. only this time he would be paying us instead of mooching for every little thing. But Josh is quite unreliable and never showed up... so we moved everything without him.. I knew then and a few incidences before, that this was not going to be a good situation.

I'm not happy to hear about anyone deploying.. but i couldn't complain when i got the news that he wouldn't be imposing on my husband and i for atleast 7 months.. <3

Eventually i had to fly back to New York to start the next semester of school... This one i didn't make it through... i left not even two weeks before it ended because to me.. my marriage was more important then finishing up with school. Michael was my priority. I flew back to California on April 27th.

When i had left cali after winter break, it wasn't on the best of terms, no one knows why, and i don't plan on telling anyone, but i demanded that michael come out to new york on leave to fix things and make everything right... he did. While he was out here, i decided that it would be much nicer for him to have company at the apartment since he would be lonely without me... I looked on petfinder.com and found the dog of Michaels dreams. We went to see her at the Brookhaven animal shelter, and adopted her that day. Jasper now had an adopted sister, a giant 120 lb Cane Corso named Queen, and mike would have company.

His flight back to Cali was eventful, because Queen broke out of her cage at JFK and mike and i had to go down stairs where they sort the luggage to calm her down and put her in a new cage... she had bad separation anxiety.

Fast forward to April 27th, I had packed everything i could fit into two bags less then 50 lbs each to fly back to the love of my life.

I had the misfortune of meeting a girl that i thought would be my best friend out here, my husband and i always take care of people, and this girl seemed to be in a real bad spot, so we let her move in with us while josh was deployed because her and her husband were splitting up. Long story short.. she scammed us and screwed us over. She wouldn't be the only one...

Holly who had been a great friend to me even while i was back in NY decided to screw me over royally as well, even after she called my husband and i at 11pm because her ex that Michael and I warned her about tried to rape her in a hotel room... we came to the rescue, and sat at the doctor with her until 6 the next morning... but apparently that makes us horrible people, because she later decided that even though we did EVERYTHING for her, that we were fucked up and started drama...w/e shes been cut from my life too.

Now, we find ourselves at August 13th, a wonderful week where i got to have a fresh of breath air, and Joanna, my best friend from home, came to visit for a week. Other then me destroying my laptop because i was drunk and retarded, the week was one of the best out here thus far. All good things come to an end and Joanna had to go home... booooo..

And finally we are pretty much caught up... as of 2 days ago we saved a little Chihuaha/Jack Russell mix that we named Harlee...and Josh is back from afghanistan, and worse then ever... I can't wait till he moves in november... I will write a WHOLE post venting on Josh later.

I should be asleep with Michael right now, but i have so many things on my mind that i'm restless... i suppose there will be a whole post on that in the coming days too.. i will need to get it out and hopefully that will end my inner turmoil...

goodnight/good morning <3

Ok, so it hasn't technically been a year since i have last written, but i suppose it's close enough. As my subject title states, alot can change in a year, and it surely has. I no longer live at home on Long Island, I now live in Southern California, away from my parents, and familiar places and people that i love and have known all my life. Such a twist of fate brought me to this point in my life, and i couldn't be more happy about my life as it now is.

When i last wrote i was waiting for Michael to come home from his deployment...and on october 7th 2008, he came home, and i flew to california to greet him. From that moment on we knew our hearts would never seperate again. In november i flew back out to california for the Marine Corps Ball, and to celebrate Michael's birthday...I was supposed to fly back home on the morning of the 23rd, but michael had other plans in mind....


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It was 2 nights after Michael's birthday, and Michael and i were sitting on his bed in the barracks, and Mike's friend Brandon was sitting on the top bunk of a bed across the room listening to me whine about not wanting to go home. Thats when brandon looked at mike and said, you guys should just get married. Michael then said "don't temp me because i so would do it."

One thing led to another and soon mike was nervous puffing on his 6th cigarette while he nervously thought of what to say when he called my father. The man goes through war without a hitch, and is nervous about a phone call with my dad...figures. I sat there assuring him that my parents loved him and to just do it as he took out yet another cigarette. I dialed my father's number and handed him the phone. Mike looked at me in panic and asked, "Do i call him dad, or charlie?!" Before i could answer i heard my fathers voice coming from the phone. Mike quickly responded with, "Hey Charlie...i had a question for you, can your daughter stay out here for another day?"

My father agreed to pay for the fee to change my plane ticket, and then Michael asked the real question. "You know i wanted to do this in person, but i really love your daughter and it would mean alot if i could have ur blessing to marry her."  At this point we figured out my mom was on the other line the whole time when she chimed in and said, "ofcourse, why are you so nervous, you kno we love you... idiot.." Only my mother..haha. So with that i was staying in california with the love of my life for another night.

The next morning i got ready while mike was at work, He came back to the room at lunch time with a ride to the county clerks office, Brandon was our witness, and on November 24th 2008 we became Mr. and Mrs. Faulkner.


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We moved into our apt. on January 5th,with only our clothes and a blow up mattress to our name. It didnt matter though. All that mattered was that i would be waking up next to the man i love every morning from then on.
 

Once again someone that i thought was a great friend fucked me over, for no reason...well maybe this time i'll learn. I really need to not pick shitty friends that fuck me over.. cause i'm too good of a person to get walked on anymore. Anyways... you would think that would be the last of my drama, but nooooo, not in my life... theres always gotta be something going on. My cat that i had since i was 2 passed away, and it hit me really hard. And on top of that i ended up ending my relationship of over two years with Rob, no need to get into personal details, its really no ones business, but it has ended.

As the good old saying goes, when one door closes another opens.. and that is true for me. I am now dating the man of my dreams, that i have waited for, for over 5 years now. I never thought that i would ever call him mine, and here i am now. The only catch to this perfect moment, is that he is in Iraq, fighting a war. I can barely wait the 6 months until i can hold him in my arms and kiss him the way he deserves. No one seems to understand a military relationship. So i'm kind of alone in dealing with the stresses of what is going on. I do have my new found amazing friend Jen who has a boyfriend in the army and is currently in Iraq as well. She has been a life saver in helping me through this deployment.

Michael is a huge help as well <3 we keep up each others spirits, even when things around us are spiraling out of control. That is largely in part to the fact that whenever we are talking, it feels like the world has stopped, and that we are the only two people in it. I haven't felt like this in years, and i hope to god everyday that i never lose Michael. I have faith in what we have found.

Life is beautiful and full of surprises.
Michael you are incredible, and my hero...
i kno i tell you that everyday, and i'm never going to stop.
I love you!

It is beautiful out today. School has really been messing with my head. I don't know what has been clouding my mind lately, but whatever it is, i hope that it goes away soon. I have so much to do, and it's so important that i don't fuck it up. Atleast i know i passed that class from last semester, and in doing so i narrowly escaped academic probation. by 8 thousandths of a point. I can't even believe i got that lucky. Thats all it was too.. luck... nothing more. 

It may seem weird, to write about your day at work, but thats what i'm going to do. Everyday that i work, there is something special going on at some point, but what happened yesterday was different. For those of you that don't know, i make my money opening doors for those who have lost a loved one. Yes, i am a door person for Moloney's Family Funeral Homes. Everyone that hears about where i work, assumes that it must be the most morbid job ever. That just isn't true, atleast not for the most part. This job opens your eyes to life and all of its precious moments. If this job doesn't do something special for you, than you must be a shell of a person. I've always appreciated the small and seemingly useless things in life, but this job take that appreciation to another level.

I pulled into the parking lot, stepped out of my car, and breathed in the fresh air. No jacket today. I made my way into the building and into the flower room. So many flowers waiting. I grabbed a basket that was easily as big as my entire upper body, and headed to the chapel. As i made my way across the hall, the sun was pouring through the windows and making little rainbows on the carpet. I opened the door to the chapel and quickly noticed that the man laying before me was an U.S. Air Force Veteran. I looked around the room for a place to put the basket. Where could i put it? The room was already full, and i still had about six other pieces waiting in the flower room. I began to try to pack the flower pieces in as closely as i could to make room for the rest.

After all of the flowers were in place, i decided it would be a good idea to do a perimeter check to make sure everything looked perfect. No petals on the floor, no garbage in the trash baskets, all of the lights on...everything needs to be just right. I looked over at the picture board. It was a shrine of photos of him with all of his grandchildren, family portraits, and pictures of him on his boat. On a pillar at the head of the casket was a picture of him and his now widowed wife, on their wedding day. I've always been a sucker for the black and white photographs. At the foot of the casket, on top of the part that usually covers the legs, there is usually a large floral arrangement; not today. Sitting upon the casket was a bottle of vodka, seltzer, and a large glass. I smiled to myself. Something like that is so much more personal and really celebrates that persons character. Inside the casket was a roll of toilet paper, but i will get back to that later. Continuing along my perimeter, i found a blown up beach ball, it had fallen off of the table. When i went to pick it up i saw that it was completely covered in writing.

"Get better soon, we love you!"
and, "Feel better grandpa!" were among the many get well wishes written all over the beach ball. The colors were almost invisible, the black marker took over the entire thing.

I placed the beach ball gently down on the table from which it had fallen and continued on my way.

Another pillar stood beside me with a beautiful bouquet of red roses. A ribbon was wrapped around them which said, "Remember What The Flowers Say..." I stood there for a second wondering what it could mean, nothing really came to mind.

With that my perimeter check was complete. Everything was perfect. I left the room to be confronted by the widow. She came over to me and grabbed my hands and asked me if i could find two more pillars to place in the chapel. Her nieces were going to bring their laptops to have a little slide show, and the computers would be on the pillars. I told her that i would do it right away, and proceeded to fulfill her wishes.

*****

Now everything was in place and family and friends were gathered in the chapel. There was a book inside the chapel for any visitors to write down their memories, the slide shows were playing, and everything was going as smoothly as it could. I stood outside the chapel waiting to greet anyone that may come into the building, or waiting for any requests that the family may have. There was nothing to do and i was starting to daze off, until one of the grandchildren stepped outside the chapel with a few other people and congregated around where i was standing. I could easily over hear every word that was said seeing as how they were only about three feet away from me. A woman asked the granddaughter, "whats with the ribbon saying, 'remember what the flowers say?'" The granddaughter proceeded to tell the woman that it was a personal ritual between her grandfather and her aunt amy ( her grandpa's daughter ). Whenever her grandfather had come home from serving a term with the air force, he would bring amy a rose. When he gave her the rose he would tell her, " Remember what the flowers say, daddy loves you more each day."

I thought that was the sweetest thing i had ever heard. I sat there repeating it to myself over and over so that i would remember it later. Then one of the other women questioned the toilet paper. The grand daughter laughed a bit and said, " Well, grandpa was always obsessed with having a roll of toilet paper at all times. He got that way from being in the service, he NEVER wanted to have to use a leaf, so we figured we would make sure he had a roll of toilet paper, just in case."

I love families like that; families that truly celebrate the life of a person as they were. The flowers and proper things are lovely and all, but that is so generic, so average. The life that was lost is not average in any way. Celebrate the life; celebrate the uniqueness of the person...

Live
Laugh
Love...

So it's been a while since i've had some online journal thing. I figured what the hell, one day i'm gonna be 90 and barely remember any of the shit i've been through so i should just write about stuff. So i guess thats what i'll be doing every now and then on here. My Birthday is in a few days... March 1st. I'll be 20. No longer a teen. Its a bitter sweet feeling i suppose. I remember being 7 or 8 and wishing i could turn 16 and drive and be an adult. Now that i'm actually getting there, i kinda wish i wasnt. At the same time i'm excited. Excited to live a real life of my own. I have the boy i love, the friends i can't live without, and a life worth living... Things will always get better... and i'm looking forward to every step. I wanna live my life... i just wish i could live it forever... I wish everyone i love could live life forever. Life doesn't always have to be a prison sentence... it may have taken me 3 or 4 years to figure that out, but atleast i came around. Sure there are moments in life where you really wish you could just put a gun to your head and end it all, but without those shitty times... we would take everything for granted. I take a lot for granted as it is, even knowing it could all be gone in a second. I've been to hell and back. Maybe not the pits of hell, but the general first floor lobby...

Some of my shittiest times, only a few people know about, and other times EVERYONE knows about... even tho i wish they didn't. Life is full of people waiting to fuck you over sometimes, and once you figure out who those people are, life becomes a little bit easier. Sometimes knowing those people makes life a lot more fun too, because if you are a spiteful bitch like i can be... you can really give it to those assholes.

I'm not going to shout out names of the assholes that have come into my life... i'm sure they know who they are, and if they all died.. i think i would go to the wake just to spit on them... This ofcourse sounds incredibly horrible, but i could do a lot worse to these people for all of the pain in my life they have caused.

The really miraculous thing about all of the shit i've been through is that i have never turned to a hard drug. Alcohol a few times, and maybe a little weed, or a cigg. to calm my nerves. I've seen things no one should have seen, and i've been put through things that NO ONE should ever have to be put through..

I've lost people that were near and dear to me, I've fucked up some of the greatest things in my life for stupid reasons, I've almost given up many times... on life, on friends, on family, on love....i don't know how i managed to come out of the things i've been through like i have. I am in no way out of the woods yet... there are times that i find myself getting very dark, very very dark...with my support system i come out of that darkness.

I am lucky
I am loved...

My life has just begun.